Growing Pains

My heart hurts for my little girl.  

Watching Rory experience all her new emotions is difficult.  I've mentioned in an earlier post that she is grasping "embarrassed" "nervous" and "scared" very well.  While I think there is health in a moderate amount of each of these emotions...seeing her struggle with the balance between the extremes makes me tear up.

During her last dance class yesterday, parents were invited to watch.  Emme and I plopped ourselves down on the bench in the back of the classroom, I put Rory's ballet shoes on her cute little feet, and patted her on the hiney expecting her to run out on the dance floor and join her teacher.  She hovered around me, wanting hugs, and sporting a rather unsettled mug.  Her teacher and I exchanged confused looks and she said, "They're always different when everyone is here."  (Which is why I wasn't upset that parents weren't allowed to watch until the last class.)  After one more kiss and hug she ran out on the floor.  She participated in the stretches, and the warmup and danced excitedly through the first 2 or 3 routines.  Then, during a song I have seen and heard her perform at home, she froze.  She stood there for a minute, turned her head toward me, and ran off the stage crying.  She spent the next 5 minutes crying in my arms so loudly that I had to take her out of the room.  Every time I suggested she go back out and dance she wailed.  This was both extremely frustrating and heartbreaking for me as her mom.  I know she has no need to feel embarrassed.  She is a great dancer who is full of spunk and rhythm.  She's so much fun to watch, and I know that every time someone laughs while watching her it's because her joy can be contagious.  But to her, laughing faces mean she's being made fun of.  I hate that she feels that way.  I wish she knew just how incredible she truly is.

I have to confess that I was just a slight bit angry as well.  I don't have a lot of patience when Rory says, "I can't do it!"  She has had a meltdown while practicing writing her letters, coloring in the lines, cutting in a straight line.  We have talked about how "practice makes progress."  She has seemed to respond to that idea, and has given herself more grace to be imperfect.  Just seeing her try makes me so proud.  Watching her melt into a pile of tears and nerves...well I just don't know how to respond.  Do I tell her it will be okay and she can stay in my arms if she wants to?  Will that keep her from ever finding out what she's truly capable of?  If I "push" her back out there, will she think my love is based on her performance?   

Parenting is tough.

Once she calmed down she finally responded to one of my multiple requests for her to go back out and dance.  She spent the next 30 minutes dancing and smiling in the front of the class.  Talking to her teacher afterward she told me that Rory has never acted that way.  She called her the little "leader" and commented that she's usually "on top of everything."  

I guess the only sure thing is that I should be praying for my little girl.  It must be tough for her to feel all these things too.