Changes

I was watching Sex and the City last night...please refrain from judging me or contacting me to tell me you're concerned with this decision. I tried for a long time to avoid the show and then the reruns started on regular television (keep in mind the non-HBO versions are extremely edited and much tamer).

Anyway, this particular episode addressed the issues of pregnancy and babies, motherhood in general. There seemed to be genuine disdain for the changes in personality that happen to a woman upon pregnancy and after. Not the hormone surges that can cause temporary lapses in sanity, but the actual change an individual undergoes when they become responsible for the life of another human being.

I was disappointed. Repeatedly I heard it commented that a person "couldn't" stay the same and have a baby. "Couldn't," like that was a goal to aspire to....not changing throughout the process. That makes no sense.

Of course motherhood changes you. Take for instance the way you feel, think, look at the world after reading a mind-opening book by your favorite author/thinker, learn something new, hear a speech from a gifted communicator, take a trip to a brand new place, or have a deep, heartfelt conversation with a true friend. Do you change after those experiences? If you live life with your eyes open then your answer is yes. Of course you change. Multiply that small change by much more and you've come close to the experience of pregnancy/motherhood.

Imagine life inside of you. First discovering that you're pregnant and sharing it with your husband. In the early weeks a heartbeat is heard...an amazingly fast little noise which indicates there is a heart, other than yours, beating inside. Later come movements. Flutters grow into extreme acrobatic feats inside your belly. Modern medicine enables a peek at the little one. Now you can see the heart, and all its chambers beating together. Fingers, toes, ribs...all are visible within the black and white images of a sonogram.

Pregnancy ends with the onset of parenthood. Even if your journey didn't start with pregnancy (as with adoption), you are now still responsible for both the moral and physical health of a person. Very soon the realization that you are keeping this little human alive becomes overwhelming. Every need is met by you and your partner. This person will reserve his/her first smile for you because of the intimate relationship you have developed. You are a source of nutrition, entertainment, and security unmatched by any other. You are favored, and deeply in love.

Love which no words exist to describe. The real expression of loving someone so much it literally hurts. Love which brings tears. Love that cannot be contained. Love which changes the very makeup of who you are. You no longer view the world only for yourself...your eyes now view a world in which your child will live. New joys, new worries abound.

Not change? An incredible notion. Certainly I am particularly sensitive to this issue as a mother and a pregnant woman. I do miss the freedom which I experienced in life before children. My schedule was flexible, we had discretionary funds, an impromptu trip to Sonic for ice cream was possible after Rory's 7 pm bedtime, and every conversation didn't somehow make it's way back to how my child was doing. To be honest, there are times when I'm bored, and those losses seem to grow. But hormones aside, I hope it's easy to see that the goal of motherhood should not be to remain unchanged.

My goal is to discover how these new experiences reveal more of who I was created to be. I am able to tap into parts of myself reserved only for these moments. New parts that can now mesh into the bigger person. New parts of wisdom and caring...sometimes frustration and panic.

I don't want to lose myself. I have 18 years until the one growing inside me now becomes an "adult." I recognize the vital importance of retaining my own identity during those in between years. But I do not aspire to remain the same either. I will change. I hope the same for all of my friends...with or without children...we're more interesting that way.